WRITER’S NOTE: This review was written back in 2009 when this reboot was released.

What better way to spend Singles Awareness Day (a.k.a. Valentine’s Day) than with an old friend who butchers camp counselors because they didn’t keep him from drowning, or supposedly so? I somehow doubt you can call this latest slasher adventure of Jason Voorhees a remake. Each sequel to the original “Friday the 13^th” was basically a reworking of the first sequel which introduced Jason as the main killer of the franchise. Watching each successive sequel has been like witnessing a perverted sports event. How is Jason going to kill off those promiscuous teenagers? What weapons will he use? Will the ladies be as cute as they were in the previous movie? Will the guys be every bit as gullible as before? I think this is what makes people keep coming back to this never-ending franchise. We are curious to see how Jason will dispatch his latest batch of victims before he gets laid waste to by the final girl. John Carpenter said evil never dies, and Jason Voorhees is proof of this.

This “Friday the 13^th” comes to us from Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay’s film company which made such unnecessary remakes of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “The Hitcher” and “The Amityville Horror.” A lot of people complain about Bay the director, but I am more worried about Bay the producer. Still, the idea of bringing back Jason was too intriguing even for me to pass up.

In this particular “Friday,” Jason more threatening here than he has been in ages. For the last few movies, he has become a figure of such unbridled camp that he comes across as more of a joke. Here, he is as vicious as ever. This Jason does not just walk at lightning speed like he did in “Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.” Here, he thrusts his weapons and impales his victims with sheer velocity. His mommy issues have never been more deeply rooted than they have been since the franchise first began.

The movie starts off more or less condensing the original, as it was Jason’s mother who was the brutal killer in that one. We see Jason’s mother, played by Nana Visitor from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” (never piss off a Bajoran), get decapitated by the one camp counselor, female of course, who she couldn’t kill. We all know how seriously pissed she was at the counselors who let her son Jason drown, and now Jason will carry on her vengeance. The prologue is much longer than I ever could have expected, and in it we meet a bunch of kids who are seriously interested in obtaining a huge quantity of marijuana. Jason, however, is there with a bag over his head, the iconic hockey mask gets introduced later, killing off potential profiteers. It made wonder if Jason was actually a drug dealer as he apparently lives near such a big farm of green.

These kids meet a gruesome end (is there any other kind?), and the movie then moves ahead a couple of months to introduce us to a new set of victims. These ones though are not there to be camp counselors, but instead to stay in a house by the lake to have a “relaxing” weekend. The house belongs to the father of a snobby little spoiled brat named Trent (Travis Van Winkle), and his name wreaks of snobbery whether he likes it or not. Along with him is his girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) who has no business being with a guy like him, an Asian smarty named Chewie (Aaron Yoo) who has yet to get laid, and a couple others who, whether they get laid or not, will most likely not live through the weekend. You also have the sole black man, Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), who loves to mess with white people and their prejudices they are blind to. Arlen has one of the best lines of dialogue, and you will know it when you hear it.

What makes this particular “Friday the 13^th” different from the others? Not much. It has the requisite killings and naked breasts. Sean S. Cunningham, the director of the original, is along for the ride as a producer, and he is intent on giving the audience what they expect from a movie like this. What makes this franchise reboot different is it is a lot bleaker and more unrelenting than the other sequels.

Marcus Nispel directed this installment, and he also directed the Platinum Dunes remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” He gives it a washed out look, and it gives the proceedings a more realistic feel as well as a foreboding one. The tension is thick in the air, and even though the scares are pretty much where you would expect them to be. The killings are effectively brutal, but Nispel doesn’t dwell so much on the blood and gore as much as you might expect.

As for the characters, they really didn’t stick in mind for long after I left the theater. That’s the problem with movies like these. Not that I expect them to be in depth character studies, but it is clear these characters are presented as being ones who are quickly disposable. There are those who you want to live through the night, and there are others whose demise constantly root for, especially Trent. In the end, they are all fair sport for Jason who kills everything in his path. Having an Asian and a black character also shows how this masked killer knows no racial boundaries when it comes to slashing trespassers. After all these years, Jason Voorhees remains an equal opportunity murderer.

Jason is played in this incarnation by Derek Mears, an actor who played the Chameleon character in that awful sequel, “The Hills Have Eyes 2.” I liked how he gave Jason a fury we have not seen from in over a decade. Not that I want to take away from Kane Hodder, but Mears gives Jason a viciousness which makes him feel more dangerous than ever before.

Regardless of these positives, there is nothing particularly special to this “Friday the 13^th.” Despite a higher standard of production values the other sequels never got, it still feels like an ordinary run of the mill slasher movie to where the one word I can best describe it as being is bland. It’s the kind of movie which doesn’t stay in the brain too long after you have seen it. While Jason may be more threatening than ever, it is not enough to make this movie seem altogether satisfying.

Also, I am really getting sick of this plot device in which cell phones do not work. I find it hard to believe there are places on this planet which do not have cell phone signals. Granted, the Hollywood Hills never seem to have them, but still, while this scenario worked fine in “The Hills Have Eyes” remake, this singular excuse to isolate these dumb characters continues to get weaker and weaker.

For what it’s worth, this is the first “Friday the 13^th” movie I have ever seen in a theater. I always kept hearing about these movies as a kid, and I was fascinated with them even while Siskel & Ebert kept tearing them apart as “cynical filmmaking.” It took me a while to get around to actually watching them, and even then, I had the volume turned down. I also kept hearing from my friends how people reacted during them. One told me how, when he saw “Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood,” everyone started a chant when it looked like the most unlikable character, a horribly spoiled girl with no manners whatsoever, was about to get killed off. This led the audience members to start chanting:

“Kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, KILL THE BITCH! KILL THE BITCH!! KILL THE BITCH!!! KILL THE BITCH!!!!!!”

That would have been fun to witness, and the fact that this “Friday the 13^th” movie did not have it took away from the experience. While I admire how they made Jason more lethal, part of me missed the tongue in cheek qualities of this franchise. You know, the moments which reminded you it was just a movie, and how some critics take them way too seriously. Looking back, I feel like I missed out on something.

Jason should really engage in a group therapy session with Norman Bates because they have more in common than they realize. Of course, Jason doesn’t talk, but maybe Norman could get him to or perhaps teach him sign language. Hey, anything is possible, right?

* * out of * * * *