Washington

‘Heart Eyes’ – A Romantic Comedy Slasher Film Worth a Look

Posted on by The Ultimate Rabbit

“Heart Eyes” comes to us packaged as a horror comedy filled with blood, gore, creative kills, mystery and a pair of sexy leads, one of whom looks like he just stepped off the set of “Bridgerton.” Perhaps the filmmakers wanted to give February 14th another horror classic as “My Bloody Valentine” may not have the same staying power these days have (assuming it ever did). As for “The St, Valentine’s Day Massacre,” that’s a gangster film not many have watched in a long time (and they probably should). Whatever the case, it is here and, judging from its gloriously bloody trailer, looks to be Valentine’s Day’s answer to Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving.”

The masked serial killer of this film is called the Heart Eyes Killer, and he, his gender assumed, wreaks havoc on Valentine’s Day by killing couples who are madly in love. Clearly, the filmmakers have brought all the tools to the table as this killer has everything a growing serial killer needs; a machete, a simple knife, night vision, martial arts training, and if he doesn’t have any weapons on him at any given moment, he will be quick to make use of whatever automotive parts or kitchen tools available at his (again, I assume) disposal. The first kills come to represent how good this psycho is with their aim and viciously cold he is ending the existence of those unlucky to be in their way.

From there we head over to Seattle, Washington, home of the Space Needle. Ally (Olivia Holt) has a chance meeting with a “Bridgerton” looking dude named Jay (Mason Gooding) at a coffee shop where it turns out they like the same drink and the same amount of sugar and honey put in it. The chemistry is very palpable to where there is no denying this is love at first sight, but Ally is still recovering from a breakup from an ex who has quickly moved on to another love, and Jay is only in town for a day.

Well, it turns out they are to be co-workers on an advertising project which needs to be salvaged as Ally’s take on love is not the least bit appealing to her condescending boss who is given an inspired portrayal by Michaela Watkins. This leads to dinner, drinks, and an arrival at someone’s apartment. Unfortunately for them, the Heart Eyes Killer is waiting for them there, and they become the killer’s favorite target even though they are not exactly a couple.

In a lot of ways, “Heart Eyes” plays a but like a “Scream” movie as we spend our time trying to figure out who the killer is, and if there is more than one. All the while, we are treated to a film score by Jay Wadley which sounds like Marco Beltrami leftovers. But while I have been down this road many times before, I still enjoyed what this romantic comedy slasher flick had to offer as it held my attention throughout, and it never lost my attention throughout.

The beginning which features a couple getting engaged, and the man proposes in a rather gross way to put it mildly (watch it for yourself), and it quickly reminds us of how difficult it is to get a proposal just right. Those who are lucky enough to do so strive for perfection, and they should just be happy they didn’t get an arrow through the eye or get smashed in a compactor to where one of their eyes shoots out of its socket. This sets this film off to an inspired start to where I was curious to see where things would go from there.

As for the kills, they are as creative as one might expect for a slasher flick. A tire iron will never look the same, a machete cannot help but be a welcome sight even if it isn’t being wielded by Danny Trejo, and an arrow which ends up in the most painful, let alone fatal, spots of the human body. Just when you think you have everything, there is another which cuts much too close, and I don’t just mean to one’s private parts.

Oh yeah, there are also a pair of police detectives out to investigate and solve the crime, and they go by the last names of Hobbs and Shaw. The fact that one of them is played Jordana Brewster should help to clue the average viewer as to what franchise this is all referring to. For the more naïve ones, it might just refer to a drift, particularly from Tokyo.

What really holds “Heart Eyes” together the most is the irresistible chemistry between Holt and Gooding. Together, they power a film which might have easily come across as an average slasher flick, but instead works as a subversive answer to the regular romantic comedy.

As you may expect, the identity of the killer is eventually revealed, or is it really? I imagine there are some who will say, “I knew who it was all along,” but even those schmucks will be wondering if there is a second shooter on the grassy knoll. This all results in a number of inconsistences which tend to make for the worst plot holes of all, but I was having enough fun to where I lost any interest in examining just how big those holes were.

Director Josh Ruben and screenwriters Phillip Murphy, Christopher Landon and Michael Kennedy were intent on taking the kind of slasher flick we all grew up watching and mashing them together into something which is recognizable but still its own thing. When it comes to romantic comedies, I usually find myself running in the opposite direction from them like everyone else, but the scene in which Ally and Jay share their vulnerabilities with one another while hiding in a van at a drive in showing a film starring Cary Grant while the couple who own the van have loud and passionate sex in the rear proved to be moving enough to where if Elton John’s song “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” started playing in the background, I would have been totally cool with that.

It will be some time before critics, film buffs and horror movie addicts can proclaim “Heart Eyes” a horror classic for the ages. Some works age like a fine wine, and while this one is no classic, I like to believe people will come to appreciate it more in the future than upon its release. It is not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I found it to be a fun ride which is worth the price of admission.

And looking at the pattern of this serial killer’s victims, it makes me wonder what this film’s tagline could have been. I am thinking it could have been something like “it’s better to be single” or “just when you thought it was safe to get into a romantic relationship,” this one reminds you of the advantages of going into Valentine’s Day solo. Then again, mistaken identity, as it is shown to be here, is a real bitch.

* * * out of * * * *

‘Stepfather III’ – A Truly Pathetic Horror Sequel

Posted on by The Ultimate Rabbit

It is only with a surprising amount of free time that I found myself watching “Stepfather III.” Its reputation is so bad that it did not even merit a theatrical release. Yes, it was made for television, but it looks too cheap even for Cinemax. Even Terry O’Quinn, who was so terrifying as Jerry Blake in the previous “Stepfather” movies, bailed on this one. Still, curiosity overtook me as I sat down to see how Jerry’s quest for the perfect family could continue even after being stabbed more times than any mortal being can possibly endure. Plus, it was free to watch on IMDB.

When “Stepfather III” begins, Jerry (played here by Robert Wightman) has already escaped the psychiatric institution in Puget Sound, Washington. This is the same place he was imprisoned in and escaped at the start of “Stepfather II,” and it makes me wonder why anyone would bother sending him back there after he stabbed a psychiatrist who thought he was making progress with him. Why not just send him to prison? Well, in horror movies like this, everyone gets a second chance, and then a third, and then a fourth. Just like Sideshow Bob from “The Simpsons,” there are idiots out there willing to give him a free pass.

Whatever the case, the filmmakers decided to skip over the escape part and cut straight to the chase. Jerry meets up with a back-alley plastic surgeon (played every so shamelessly by Mario Roccuzzo) who proceeds to alter his face while smoking an endless number of cigarettes. Yes, this is how sterile he keeps his workplace. This leads to one of the few interesting moments as director Guy Magar ended up filming an actual plastic surgery procedure which is more unnerving than what any makeup effects professional could have come up with. And again, this sequel has a ridiculously small budget, so filming the real thing must have saved Magar a few pennies.

With his new face, Jerry does what some would do to keep from going bankrupt due to high medical costs; he kills the doctor. Hey, medical insurance in America doesn’t cover everything. Besides, some companies would say being psychotic is a pre-existing condition.

Yes, yes, I know, this is a back-alley doctor who doesn’t deal in paperwork, but let me have some fun here.

Anyway, Jerry makes his way to Deer View, California where he lives under the alias of Keith Grant and works at a plant nursery. This makes sense as he has previously shown just how good he is with gardening tools and other sharp instruments. It’s also no surprise to see how good he is with a shovel.

While at a church dance where he dresses up as the Easter bunny, Keith ends up meeting Christine Davis (Priscilla Barnes), a divorced school principal with a son who is psychosomatically paralyzed. Surprise, surprise, the two quickly fall in love and get married because, you know, why wait in a movie like this? As you can imagine, there is a jealous ex-boyfriend who is quite possessive of Christine, and Christine’s son is busy doing detective work because kids are smarter than we think and are always cutting through their parents’ bullshit.

If there is an interesting angle in this dreaded “Stepfather” sequel, it’s that the story has a bit of a twist. Keith ends up meeting the widow Jennifer Ashley (Season Hubley) who has just moved into town with her son, and he begins courting her. So instead of one potential bride to start a family with, there is another for him to consider. From there, this sequel could have turned into a far more suspenseful motion picture as you wonder which lady will live and die. It’s like a demonic season of “The Bachelor” where a contestant gets a knife in the heart instead of a rose, or perhaps this more resembles one of the many twisted reality shows which aired on Fox back in the 1990’s.

Whatever the case, “Stepfather III” is a horrible waste of time for everyone involved and people like me who made the mistake of watching it. Moreover, this movie drags its way to a pitiful conclusion which utilizes a wood chipper in a way nowhere as memorable as what the Coen brothers did with one in “Fargo.” At least, the filmmakers here gave Jerry/Keith a more permanent conclusion. While he may have survived a dozen knife wounds, I imagine he has as much luck of being put back together as Humpty Dumpty ever did.

Speaking of dragging, this sequel has a running time of almost two hours. Whereas the original “Stepfather” ran a mere 89 minutes and “Stepfather II” is only 93 minutes long, someone decided they could get away with adding another 20 to 30 minutes of footage. On top of “Stepfather III” being boring and terribly made, it feels like it lasts forever. Towards the end, I couldn’t care less about who lived or died. I just wanted this awfulness to be over and done with.

In regards to Robert Wightman, I don’t know whether to pity him or feel sorry for him. Stepping into a role which O’Quinn handled ever so brilliantly was never going to be an easy feat, and Dylan Walsh didn’t have it any better when he starred in the inevitable “Stepfather” remake. O’Quinn brought both a real pathos and a humanity to Jerry Blake, and this made the character all the more frightening. While Wightman does get Jerry’s old-fashioned mannerisms down well, and lord knows this man is far too old-fashioned and polite on the outside, he is unable to make the character the least bit terrifying. In fact, he comes off looking quite harmless even after impaling a man with a rusty shovel.

What else? The music score sounds like it was done on one of those Casio pianos from the 1980’s (understandably, this movie could not afford any orchestra), the acting is terrible, the story is mostly predictable as we have been down this road before, the cinematography particularly at the beginning is bizarre, and the bloody effects look even worse than what Bob and Harvey Weinstein forced Jeff Burr to add to “Stepfather II,” and those efforts looked ridiculously fake.

While I’m at it, what are Priscilla Barnes and Season Hubley doing in this trash? Barnes played a Bond woman in “Licence to Kill,” Rob Zombie made great use of her in “The Devil’s Rejects,” and she was on “Three’s Company” for crying out loud! As for Hubley, she had an unforgettable scene opposite her then-husband Kurt Russell in “Escape From New York,” and she held her own opposite George C. Scott in Paul Schrader’s “Hardcore.” Surely their agents could have gotten them something better than this dreck.

Look, I did not expect much of anything from “Stepfather III” as any movie in this series lacking Terry O’Quinn is just asking for a severe round of bitch slapping. But still, I have seen many horror movies with worse acting and writing, and they proved to be far more entertaining and scarier than this one. Was anyone involved in this sequel’s making the least bit interested in making something the least bit thrilling, or were they more interested in making a quick buck? All we get here is a pathetic excuse of a motion picture which still has not gotten a DVD or Blu-ray release in America. I bet even Shout Factory doesn’t want to touch this one.

Okay, I have wasted enough time on this one.

½* out of * * * *