Eradicating Thanksgiving Calories on a Landice Treadmill
It’s another year, another Thanksgiving has come and gone, but those damn calories are still incredibly difficult to burn off. Among the many things I am thankful for this holiday, other than the Democrats taking back the House of Representatives, is being able to train for the 2019 LA Marathon for the ninth year in a row, and this gives even more reason to exercise my buns off to maximum effect. Yes, it is a nice ass, but it could be a bit smaller.
As always, I am up here with my family in Sea Ranch for our yearly Thanksgiving feast. I did get a couple of maintenance runs in which had me going through several of the various trails this place by the ocean has to offer. However, I had forgotten how much energy can be expended running on dirt, grass and sand as opposed to running on asphalt. It’s like a weird sort of taxman is following me around and saying “nope, you haven’t paid nearly enough!”
My runs were cut short by the heavy rainstorms which seemed more relentless than usual, and I am happy to say I got back in time before I could have relived the 2011 LA Marathon (a.k.a. the monsoon marathon). Still, these rains were a blessing for California as it helped to put out those raging wildfires which many brave souls fought against endlessly to where they never get much sleep, if any.
With this Saturday’s run, I had a choice of going through the streets of Sea Ranch or going to the Physical Gym in Gualala where I could run seven miles on a treadmill. Granted, running on a treadmill is not really recommended by our coaches as running on asphalt tends to better prepare us for the big day, but I prefer it to nothing. And considering how I woke up a little later than usual and wanted to spend more time with my sister-in-law and niece before they drove home, it became apparent my best option would be to go to the gym. Plus, I was looking for an excuse to get a bite to eat at Trinks Café or see what I could buy at the Four-Eyed Frog Bookstore which was next door.
Upon arriving at the Physical Gym in Gualala, I met with an old friend of mine, the Landice treadmill. This same treadmill features a number of graphics designed to make running in one place seem a lot more interesting than it typically is, and we all know how interesting running on a treadmill can be. They always feature a digital man or woman who looks very svelte and in far better shape than I ever do, and this ends up leaving me bitter and resentful. Of course, if said digital man looked like me, I would be quick to get depressed.
Aside from bringing myself to the gym, I also brought along my trusty running partner, Mark Antony Eeyore. He keeps me on the straight and narrow, makes sure I don’t give up unless money is involved, and he proved to be a big hit when I took on the trails with me. Women remarked how cute this Eeyore is to where it was like they wanted to hug him, and I still wonder why women don’t treat me the same way (damn you Eeyore!). There was also a man who saw the two of us and remarked, “There’s the guy who steals stuffed animals!”
Eeyore sat atop the treadmill and stared intently at me as if to say, “Don’t half-ass it!” Of course, he had a bit of trouble holding on and ending up falling down to where I had to jump over him to avoid tripping. After a bit, I decided he better sit on the treadmill next to me.
For this seven-mile run, I decided to go at a 3:1 pace as I thought it would allow me to finish sooner rather than later. I also increased the grade on the treadmill to 3% as running on a flat surface was not going to be enough. But as soon as I began running, I felt an intense burning in my legs which I haven’t felt since I was a Cross Country back at Monte Vista High School. Back then, we had to run up that torturous hill in Oak Hill Park, and it never ceased to punish us with an intense burn which no amount of Icy Hot could tame. And just when you thought you made it to the top, you discovered you didn’t.
Throughout this run, I changed the grade from 3% to 0% every so often, but I ran most of the miles at 3%. I also adjusted my pace from 3:1 to 2:2 as it eventually became very apparent I needed more recovery time. My pace per mile went from 14:38 to 15:00, and this was when I was running. All this time, I was reminded of the sign in front of me which points on the same thing at every gym:
“Please allow yourself to use the cardio equipment for only 30 minutes unless no one else is waiting.”
There are now three treadmills in the Physical Gym, so I assumed nobody would be quick to bother me. But as the day went on, they became increasingly occupied to where I wondered if it would have been better to run through Sea Ranch instead. Miraculously, I managed to get through my run without anyone coming up to me and saying, “GET OFF! CAN’T YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAITING YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE?!”
When I wasn’t staring at the digital display on the treadmill, I looked up at the television to watch a game of girls’ volleyball which had Marquette facing off against Creighton. I remember playing volleyball at school and finding I was better at it than most other sports. My serve always fooled the other team to where they thought I screwed up and put too much power into the ball. As they laughed at me and assumed it was going to fall out of bounds, it ended up landing inbounds and scored my team an easy point. Ha, ha, ha!
In the end, I only ran six miles instead of seven as the gym closed at 5 p.m. I kept wondering if the employees were wrapping things up, and I finally got a big hint when they turned the radio off and some of the lights. Seriously, I wouldn’t have minded if she had told me flat out the club was closing. I was not about to overextend my stay at anyone’s expense. Still, after spending over two hours on the treadmill, I think I can safely mission accomplished better than George W. Bush ever could.
I went by the bookstore briefly but did not buy anything. As for Trinks, it was closed for the day so I went to the local supermarket, bought some chocolate milk and some salty snacks and headed back to the house. Still, I am reminded of the spare tire I continue to carry. In short, one day of exercise will never be enough to dispose of it.
WRITER’S NOTE: I am running the 2019 LA Marathon in support of The Pablove Foundation which is working to find a cure for pediatric cancer. My goal is to raise $1,500, and any amount you can donate to this cause is greatly appreciated. With Giving Tuesday almost upon us, I sincerely hope you will consider donating to this wonderful non-profit group. Please click here to find out how you can help.