Movies Mark Wahlberg Really Should Beg God’s Forgiveness for
While in Chicago where he shared the stage at the UIC Pavillion with Cardinal Blase Cupich, actor Mark Wahlberg said he prayed to God for forgiveness over starring in “Boogie Nights.” The 1997 film, which marked writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson’s cinematic breakthrough, starred Wahlberg as Eddie Adams, a high school dropout who later gained fame as porn star Dirk Diggler. Furthermore, he even apologized to the Pope for the crude humor in “Ted.” Wahlberg was quoted as saying, “I just always hope that God is a movie fan and also forgiving, because I’ve made some poor choices in my past.”
Sure Mark, you have made some poor choices, but most of them are relegated to your criminal youth. Your are a devout Roman Catholic and attend Mass on a regular basis, but I refuse to believe God would punish you for your work in a movie as brilliant as “Boogie Nights.” Besides, you succeeded in pulling off the ever so difficult transition from being a rap star (Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch) to becoming a legitimate actor thanks to your astonishing performance opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Basketball Diaries.” Since then, you have brought those “good vibrations” to a variety of roles in “The Departed,” “Three Kings,” “We Own the Night,” “The Yards,” and “Lone Survivor.”
Still, while your resume is filled with great movies, it is also littered with bad ones, and I’m stunned you haven’t asked God to forgive you for the following stinkers.
Planet of the Apes
Okay, Tim Burton really should be apologizing for this one more than you. The “Beetlejuice” director is a wonderfully unique filmmaker, but I kept having to remind myself he directed this surprisingly bland and forgettable remake of the 1968 classic starring Charlton Heston. Mark, you played astronaut Leo Davidson, and even your boundless energy couldn’t save this one as very little of what I saw remains in my consciousness. It is the equivalent of a McDonald’s Happy Meal in that, whether you enjoyed it or not, it leaves no lingering aftertaste. Even the movie’s twist ending is unremarkable, and I walked out of it wondering why Burton made something so average instead of wonderfully weird.
The Truth about Charlie
Hollywood may still be a remake-happy place with many classics being plundered for a new generation of filmgoers, but there are some this town needs to leave well enough alone. Among them is “Charade,” Stanley Donen’s classic 1963 film starring Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, but this didn’t stop the late Jonathan Demme from remaking it as “The Truth about Charlie.” Mark, you had as much luck playing the Cary Grant role here as Russell Crowe did in playing a romantic comedy lead in “A Good Year” which is to say, not at all. Please Mark, don’t try to be the next Cary Grant or even the next Robert De Niro. Just be yourself.
Oh lord, where do I start with this one? Following his box office flop “Lady in the Water,” M. Night Shyamalan continued his descent into cinematic oblivion with this thriller which failed in spectacular fashion. For you Mark, “The Happening” allowed you to play a schoolteacher, something different from what we usually see you as. Shyamalan, however, directs you to some of the worst acting of your career, and your performance became hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Heck, even you were quoted as saying, “It was a really bad movie… Fuck it. It is what it is. Fucking trees, man. The plants. Fuck it. You can’t blame me for not wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook.” God must have been scratching his head while and thinking there couldn’t be a more laughable environmental thriller than “The Day After Tomorrow” until this one came along.
Even by 2008, everyone had come to the conclusion adapting video games into movies was a bad idea and almost always doomed to failure. But this didn’t stop “A Good Day to Die Hard” director John Moore from turning one of Rockstar Games’ most popular titles into a neo-noir action thriller. Mark, you may have described the script for “Max Payne” as being awesome and the character as being one of the edgier roles you have ever played, but Jim Vejvoda was correct when he described your performance as “drab.” This came out the same year as “The Happening,” and you earned a Razzie nomination as Worst Actor for both. Couldn’t you see this adaptation would look like nothing more than a “Death Wish” knock-off?
Pain & Gain
You may still want to get God’s forgiveness for playing a porn star, but I’m surprised you won’t do the same for playing Daniel Lugo, a man convicted of extortion, kidnapping, torture, murder, and who is now serving a life sentence in prison. Just as with Dirk Diggler in “Boogie Nights,” you were just playing a character, but if you think God has a problem with porn actors, wouldn’t he have an even bigger problem with criminals like Lugo? Furthermore, this marked your first collaboration with the cinematic devil known as Michael Bay, someone who has laid waste to our innocent memories of Transformers toys. With “Pain & Gain,” Bay wanted to do something smaller, a character piece, but this director has never been good at doing things subtly. This black comedy was based on a true story, something Bay keeps reminding us of throughout, but things never gel here despite good performances from you, Dwayne Johnson and Anthony Mackie.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
After “Transformers: Dark of the Moon,” we thought Michael Bay was forever done with this franchise to where we breathed an enormous sigh of relief. But noooooo! He just had to start a new “Transformers” trilogy and drag you along, kicking and screaming I hope. All of our hopes and prayers for a good Michael Bay “Transformers” movie were not answered as “Age of Extinction” proved to be almost as bad as “Revenge of the Fallen” to where it didn’t take long for audiences to get completely numbed to all the endless explosions Bay couldn’t stop setting off. Your line of “I think we just found a Transformer” is the only thing I can bother to remember from this misfire, and this isn’t saying much.
I loved “Ted” as I always dreamed of having a living and breathing stuffed animal in my life. And Mark, seeing you and the teddy bear getting into a nasty fight remains one of the funniest scenes I have ever seen in a motion picture. But with “Ted 2,” it really seemed like you and Seth MacFarlane were just phoning it in. The “Flash Gordon” jokes fall flat here, and this sequel is desperately missing Mila Kunis. As for you getting covered in sperm samples at a lab, you are so much better than that.
Transformers: The Last Knight
Mark, you said this “Transformers” sequel will mark your last appearance in the franchise, and I pray to the heavens above that you keep this promise. No amount of energy you brought to the role of Cade Yeager is enough to divert us from the fact “The Last Knight” is astonishingly incomprehensible. Did the studio executives even question Michael Bay about this film? Even now, I laugh hysterically over how incoherent the storyline is. Thanks to its disappointing box office, this may mark Bay’s end with the franchise, an end which should have come after the first film.
Mark, you probably are not reading this article, but I do admire your work as an actor, and you have given terrific performances recently in “Deepwater Horizon” and “Patriots Day.” You shouldn’t have to apologize for your work in a truly great film. Instead, you should beg God’s forgiveness for all the bad ones you got stuck in. Even the one you pray to cannot understand the plot of “Transformers: The Last Knight,” so seek your penance for that one and all the others on this list. Thanks, and God be with you.