Ah, Dinesh D’Souza, one of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures this side of Corey Feldman’s “Ascension Millennium.” There’s just no stopping you, is there? I couldn’t help but be a bit giddy for your 2020 documentary “Trump Card” as I was eager to watch you try to defend former President Donald Trump a second time after you tried, and utterly failed, to do so with “Death of a Nation.” But unlike that aforementioned documentary, this one did not get a theatrical release and instead went straight to streaming. Now, this may have been in large part due to the Coronavirus pandemic, but after a few films which dealt with Trump (including Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 11/9”) failed to catch on at the box office, clearly theatrical exhibitors were uninterested in showing any of the man’s orange face on the silver screen regardless of where they stood on the political spectrum. One thing is for sure though; CinemaScore cannot save you this time around!

Well Dinesh, you waste no time putting your fears on display as you display a famous torture scene from George Orwell’s classic novel “1984” in which Winston Smith is being grilled by a member of the Thought Police for not falling in line with everyone else. In short, you completely fail to understand Orwell’s dystopian and cautionary tale, and of why his novel became so popular again once Trump moved into the White House. Instead, you and your co-directors (wife Debbie D’Souza and Bruce Schooley) direct Stephen Brodie, who plays Winston Smith, to act as if you are telling him, “ACT LIKE YOU ARE IN TREMENDOUS PAIN! SCREAM! OPEN YOUR EYES AS WIDE AS YOU CAN! THAT’S IT!!!”

Oh, and by the way Dinesh, Orwell was a Democratic Socialist. Did you know that?

Anyway, the opening credits of “Trump Card” feature various American monuments and of how, as you see it Dinesh, they would like if the Democratic Party were to move the United States fully into the realm of Socialism. We see the Statue of Liberty getting replaced by a statue of either Karl Marx or Joseph Stalin. Oh no! Mount Rushmore has been recurved to feature Socialist leaders? Stop the presses! Do you really think anyone in America regardless of political affiliation would really allow such changes to ever happen? That would be like belittling the plaque located at the Statue of Liberty which says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.” Oh, wait a minute, Stephen Miller, a Trump appointee, did just that. As a lover of America, doesn’t this bother you?

It’s really interesting to watch “Trump Card” a full year after President Joe Biden soundly defeated Trump by several million votes (it’s a fact everybody, Trump lost). Just as you continually do with Abraham Lincoln (played here once again by Don Taylor), you hold the Donald up to a ridiculously high standard to where he comes off looking like the superhero who can defeat socialism as if it were America’s kryptonite. Never mind how the former host of “The Apprentice” got a handout from his dad worth millions of dollars which he squandered, that he was caught on video saying how he loved to “grab women by the pussy,” or that he jumped and ran for cover at a rally when it sounded like a gunshot had just gone off. Remember when did a video in which he posed with a bald American Eagle only to get freaked out when it threatened to attack him. Seriously, even the eagle knew Trump was colluding with Russia.

But as much as you try to hold up Trump to such a God-like level which only the most deluded Evangelicals could ever embrace, you still know how to infuriate me in ways few others can. You must have been begging for participants this time around as you talk with businessman Alan Bender and Imam Mohammad Tawhidi in an effort to lay waste to American politician Ilhan Omar. Never mind how Bender is known for espousing unsubstantiated conspiracy theories or that Tawhidi is a cleric with no mosque to speak off. You, Dinesh, let them hammer away at Ilhan by saying she is controlled by Qataris “through her weakness – money and sex” or describing her as being “ISIS with lipstick.” Instead of debating her politics and views as one should with any other politician, you still prefer character assassination. I mean, heaven forbid you take the time to dig beneath the surface on many issues and people you observe here.

Still, you left me howling with laughter when you entered The Body Shop on Sunset Boulevard and went into a room where you interviewed Larry Sinclair. For those who don’t know, Sinclair has claimed on several occasions that he smoked crack with former President Barrack Obama and later performed oral sex on him. This man also has a criminal record over 25 years long involving fraud and deceit, and a forgery charge which earned him a 16-year jail sentence, but yeah Dinesh, I perfectly understand why you did not include this here. For you, the Obama-Sinclair sex scandal is far bigger and more controversial than the one between Trump and Stormy Daniels. Do you remember when Trump paid Stormy for a night of hot sex where it was revealed he had a mushroom dick? Or how about Stormy being threatened to remain silent about this affair? Oh, and Trump did this while his wife Melania was pregnant with their child. Surely you as a Christian look down on him for this, right?

While watching your films is enjoyable for all the wrong reasons, Dinesh, being in the same room with you is not something I am the least bit interested in. Engaging in a conversation with you is pointless as you are almost as narcissistic as Trump. Admitting defeat is not in your nature even as your theories are constantly proven to be utterly bogus, and rather than listening to the truth of things, you would rather put your hands over your ears and keep telling yourself, “The socialists are coming! The socialists are coming! Don’t you see the lanterns lit up at the old church?!”

As I watched “Trump Card,” I was reminded of an exchange between Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Kline in the classic comedy “A Fish Called Wanda” in which she tried to get through to him:

“Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not ‘every man for himself.’ And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.”

With that in mind Dinesh, let me see if I can possibly make some things perfectly clear for you:

• The Me Too Movement was not about abortion or protecting Roe v Wade. It was a social movement meant to give voice to those who have been sexually assaulted and harassed as they have been forced to be silent in a way no one ever should.
• Antifa is a political movement and has been for decades. It is not a terrorist organization.
• The Hunter Biden controversy of him allegedly accepting a payment of $3.5 million from the wife of the Mayor of Moscow remains an unsubstantiated accusation, and no concrete criminal evidence regarding this has ever been found.
• President Abraham Lincoln’s “House Divided” speech was given in 1858, not 1861 as you present it here.  
• Your conviction on campaign finance laws in no way allowed you to claim yourself to be a political prisoner, especially after you admitted you did wrong.

Dinesh, I have no doubt of the great love you have for America, and this would remain the case even without your nauseating inclusion of several patriotic songs which become increasingly annoying to listen to throughout. But you need to understand and accept that the Republican party under President Lincoln is not the GOP of today. In fact, neither party is what it once was, and in regards to the Republican Party, this is tragic. While you are correct in saying America is more divided than ever before, “Trump Card” does nothing to bring us together in any healthy way. Like before, you are preaching to an audience who foolishly accepts everything you say and do at face value without doing any meaningful research. But will this stop you? Clearly not. It’s sad to see how deluded you are, and there’s no doubt you will continue to keep listening to the voices in your head which continue to spew propaganda no one has any business believing in.

Oh, and by the way Dinesh, socialism has played a big part in America for decades. Public services such as police and fire departments, the United States Postal Service, schools, and libraries are prime examples of this, and none of it has led to communism. Anyway, that’s just something for you to chew on between now and when you unleash your next documentary shit sandwich on us.

ZERO out of * * * *